Iunno if you know, but I'm super self-conscious. I don't know if I come off as this way or not, but I am. I'm very insecure about myself, and am constantly concerned about how people see me. When I'm looking at pictures, I'm always checking myself first. I could care less how the people around me look. As long as I look fresh it's a good picture haha. Not so much now, but maybe 'round end of high school/1st year, I'd check myself out in the mirror non-stop. I mean, I would take little study breaks to check myself.
This just kinda came to mind from Yun-Ping praying for the girls about insecurity, about how they can hold their head up high 'cause they're beautiful in God's eyes. It's true, but often this just doesn't cut it for me. Which one of us does God not see as beautiful? God thinks we're all equally beautiful so what does it really mean? Of course I'm not gonna say I'm not beautiful 'cause I was made in the image of God, outta fear I dare not say anything that God has made to be ugly.
I guess I'm just trying to say, I'd like to be worldly beautiful sometimes. I 'aint just talking 'bout appearances either, I'm talking 'bout the beauty of my bank account, the beauty of my intellect, the beauty of my social class, hell the beauty of my cross-over etc.....But none of these things are important to the Lord, so why should I care? 'Cause everyone else does. Including me in regards to others.
Well let's get to my point, why am I posting about being worldly beautiful? It's 'cause girls care....Man, I haven't seen anyone in 4 years! My university career is coming to an end and I'm going home to a "asian Christian girl"less place. Where the hell am I gonna find a girl? I guess I've just been wondering that: if during my university career I woulda grown up a bit quicker, taken better care of my body, been a bit more ambitious about my career, had bigger money stacks, have been more "spiritually mature", or even have become a completely different person, would I be seeing someone by now? Or am I just too picky in regards to these same aspects towards girls? Whatever they may be, I'm girlfriendless right now and I 'aint getting any younger :P Don't get me wrong though...I regret nothing in these last 4 years. In fact, I don't believe in regret. If this is the way the Lord had it set out to be, then that's the way it is. Why would I wish it differently than the Lord has planned? It's stupid.
Will God provide my future spouse? Maybe...I don't know, He hasn't told me yet. Am I gonna be alright with it if He says no? I have no choice but to be. I guess I can be alone like Paul the apostle hahaha. I don't know if I should be happy or sad about that one. Am I even prepared to take care of a girl yet? I don't know. The fact that I haven't had one in so long (in my eyes at least), I'm getting kinda restless to know if there is actually gonna be one out there for me. Throw all your pity comments at me and tell me how I have lots to offer. I really don't mind hearing it right now. It'll temporary fix my insecurity hahaha.
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