I like to think that I have a care for nothing attitude. I just do stuff, 'cause stuff has to be done. Live life 'cause life has to be lived. An empty vessel, learning and trying to carry as little emotion/feelings as possible. Kinda like that dude Soujiro in Rurouni Kenshin that feels nothing but happiness. It's not in his capacity to feel hurt or pain. I would say I was more so like this before than now. I feel like I care about stuff more now, and like I figured, I'm experiencing hurt. I don't know if the Lord has put burdens on my shoulders to show me that we supposed to care and be hurt, or if it is me that has fallen away from the proper emotionless way. All I know is that I was happier when I didn't care.
You say: I shouldn't think this way, life is a gift, I should care about it very much so. Well I say: screw you, this gift isn't as great as the one promised tommorow. If it's such a great gift why do we hope for eternity away from this rock of garbage? What on this earth is worth caring for that won't be in eternity? Also, who's to say that I won't be as effective in my work for God if I didn't care about anything? Or is it even possible to not care? 'Cause I would think Jeremiah cried his little eyes out because he did in fact care...
Doesn't the Lord call us to be sheep, slaves, drones, empty weak vessels so he can work his magic? I would like to think my lack of caring is my way of emptying myself for the Lord. I associate my not caring with the letting go of my ambition, not just worldly success but as well as the Lord's ministry. Watchman Nee talks about how when we try to do the Lord's Will, we just screw it up. We actually are supposed to do nothing, and let the Lord do his own will through us. If I be caring about a bunch of stuff, wouldn't it dilute my very being for the Lord to do all the work?
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
A wise man once told me not to argue with fools/'Cause from afar people can't tell who is who-Jay-Z
So a while back, I had to rebuke somebody in the way he was living his life. Why? 'Cause that's what I felt the Holy Spirit was moving me to do. I think I felt the conviction from the Holy Spirit to say something because I was just disgusted at the sin that was living in this person. Not to say that Christians won't sin, but this person's embrace of sin, of "that's just the way it is/ can't beat it/God will forgive me so I'll do it anyways" attitude just filled me with the zeal to have to say something. I would know of non-Christians that would act more "Christian-like" than this individual, and I feel this individual is making a mockery out of the Lord's kingdom. The Lord of the universe does not need me to protect his good name, He can do it himself and will judge accordingly when time comes. But that's not to say that the Lord didn't use me in this case to remind this individual of God's judgment. I do this all out of love.
I was aware that things get screwed up when the Spirit is at work, and I agree that it works for the greater good. It stirs up what people think, people reflect on themselves, and the truth is laid out on the table. Why do things get screwed up? 'Cause often the truth hurts...people really aren't happy or willing to take it. And this is what happened in this case.
This particular person feels that I shouldn't have rebuked him, reason being I didn't know him well enough. That is, if I would have known him better, I would see things differently and not have said those things. I however would disagree with this. I would say I know him better than most, and being someone that's already somewhat closer to him and knowing of the good in him, yet still seeing him as I do, think of how the general public would see this person when they don't know him. If there were a person like this, wouldn't you prefer he not say he's a Christian and mess up the image of Christianity, or clean up his act for the sake of others?
I have spoken to many Christian brothers regarding the issue, and we have agreed that what I did wasn't wrong. However, my delivery of what I said MAY not have been the best way, I'm not sure because my actions hasn't produced any apparent fruit yet. I even apologized to that person afterwards about making him upset from the way I spoke to him. (Not that making someone upset is a bad thing). I did this because it is scriptural to build up your brother after you rebuke him and make peace. So after this we were cool......until last night.
So he brings it up again, "how I don't know him well enough to say things to judge him, that I don't make a great enough effort to get to know him better or care about him". Whereas in fact I probably speak to him more than most people in the fellowship, or even members of my house. Though this may be little, (which isn't even true) it is really relative to how much I speak to others. I mean, if I don't speak much in the first place, wouldn't you say that saying a few things to this person shows that I care a lot.
This is however not good enough for him, that my knowing of him is not good enough to consider us friends or that I care. Which doesn't even make sense because he considered us friends before I rebuked him, yet I speak to him/treat him now the same as before, but in his eyes we're not friends now. So out of his frustration, he says "fine, I'll just care at your level now and not talk to you". This is however not for me to deal with, it is in fact this individual that has chosen to reduce his effort for friendship, and I'm okay with this. What really frustrates me though, is that my housemates don't see how I am able to find peace in the rebukee's decision to not talk to me anymore. They keep urging me to pursue this friendship, that I should go beyond my current level or caring while they wouldn't in fact do it themselves in the examples that I gave them.
I think the rebukee just wants me to see that there is good in him, which I do see. The good however does not cancel out the sin I see in his life that needs rebuking. I feel he really just wants my consent on how he lives his life is really not that bad, which is something I cannot do.
Personally, I don't treasure friendship as much as many other people do, especially the rebukee in this case. People have let me down time after time, and it's just something I don't care about as much as others. Nowhere is it biblical that friendships are super important, but rather Christians will have it bad and be hated by many. Jesus did not come to earth to make friends, but to love and save the people. So I really have no interest in his friendship, (which in my eyes we do have) but rather his salvation and his Christian walk. And don't get me wrong, I do enjoy hanging out with friends, but with what I know now, I don't think I can put it above the spiritual well-being of somebody.
So the question is....should I make an even greater, well beyond my normal level of showing friendship to this individual so that in his eyes, what I present is love? Or should I just have peace with it (which is what Roger suggested), put it in the hands of the Lord of how this individual feels and move on? I'm going with option #2 right now, I feel it would do this person good to not always have everything his way. If this is what our friendship boils down to, that his efforts to be-friend me came with the want of something in return, I'm not sure I want it either. I feel like I'm dealing with kids at times. Damn!
I was aware that things get screwed up when the Spirit is at work, and I agree that it works for the greater good. It stirs up what people think, people reflect on themselves, and the truth is laid out on the table. Why do things get screwed up? 'Cause often the truth hurts...people really aren't happy or willing to take it. And this is what happened in this case.
This particular person feels that I shouldn't have rebuked him, reason being I didn't know him well enough. That is, if I would have known him better, I would see things differently and not have said those things. I however would disagree with this. I would say I know him better than most, and being someone that's already somewhat closer to him and knowing of the good in him, yet still seeing him as I do, think of how the general public would see this person when they don't know him. If there were a person like this, wouldn't you prefer he not say he's a Christian and mess up the image of Christianity, or clean up his act for the sake of others?
I have spoken to many Christian brothers regarding the issue, and we have agreed that what I did wasn't wrong. However, my delivery of what I said MAY not have been the best way, I'm not sure because my actions hasn't produced any apparent fruit yet. I even apologized to that person afterwards about making him upset from the way I spoke to him. (Not that making someone upset is a bad thing). I did this because it is scriptural to build up your brother after you rebuke him and make peace. So after this we were cool......until last night.
So he brings it up again, "how I don't know him well enough to say things to judge him, that I don't make a great enough effort to get to know him better or care about him". Whereas in fact I probably speak to him more than most people in the fellowship, or even members of my house. Though this may be little, (which isn't even true) it is really relative to how much I speak to others. I mean, if I don't speak much in the first place, wouldn't you say that saying a few things to this person shows that I care a lot.
This is however not good enough for him, that my knowing of him is not good enough to consider us friends or that I care. Which doesn't even make sense because he considered us friends before I rebuked him, yet I speak to him/treat him now the same as before, but in his eyes we're not friends now. So out of his frustration, he says "fine, I'll just care at your level now and not talk to you". This is however not for me to deal with, it is in fact this individual that has chosen to reduce his effort for friendship, and I'm okay with this. What really frustrates me though, is that my housemates don't see how I am able to find peace in the rebukee's decision to not talk to me anymore. They keep urging me to pursue this friendship, that I should go beyond my current level or caring while they wouldn't in fact do it themselves in the examples that I gave them.
I think the rebukee just wants me to see that there is good in him, which I do see. The good however does not cancel out the sin I see in his life that needs rebuking. I feel he really just wants my consent on how he lives his life is really not that bad, which is something I cannot do.
Personally, I don't treasure friendship as much as many other people do, especially the rebukee in this case. People have let me down time after time, and it's just something I don't care about as much as others. Nowhere is it biblical that friendships are super important, but rather Christians will have it bad and be hated by many. Jesus did not come to earth to make friends, but to love and save the people. So I really have no interest in his friendship, (which in my eyes we do have) but rather his salvation and his Christian walk. And don't get me wrong, I do enjoy hanging out with friends, but with what I know now, I don't think I can put it above the spiritual well-being of somebody.
So the question is....should I make an even greater, well beyond my normal level of showing friendship to this individual so that in his eyes, what I present is love? Or should I just have peace with it (which is what Roger suggested), put it in the hands of the Lord of how this individual feels and move on? I'm going with option #2 right now, I feel it would do this person good to not always have everything his way. If this is what our friendship boils down to, that his efforts to be-friend me came with the want of something in return, I'm not sure I want it either. I feel like I'm dealing with kids at times. Damn!
Friday, March 16, 2007
You Must Be Insane If You Give Me The/Lane or Perimeter/My Crossover'll Sprain Every Limb On Ya-Fabolous
Man I rant so much about crappy stuff going on in my life on this blog, I think it'd be nice to post some happier stuff. God isn't just trials and tests, He loves us so much, He'll bring happiness our way. It's not that once you've gone through a trial and you're happy for a while, God's thinking "Time to give Eldon a hard time again to see how faithful he is". Happiness will come after happiness....well sometimes :P
I'm having a really happy day today, so far at least. Me and Jimmy (aka Timmy) wanted to be crazy and woke up at 7:30 to play ball. We just killed it today, both of us scoring machines. I really like playing with Jimmy! Maybe it's 'cause we've played so much together, our chemistry is really good. That, and I like to see Jimmy's super crosses!! He's also kinda retarded so it's lightens up the mood when we play. Win or lose, it's pretty fun. Playing well in the morning always makes the rest of my day happy. I really treasure the bonds that are made just from playing pick-up ball in the mornings. Sports in general is a great way to build up almost automatically bonds with strangers...often multiple strangers at a time. I know a lot of guys (and girls!) by a first name basis from the mornings, and it can really open up opportunities to talk off the court. If you know what I'm getting at, it's so we can talk to them about God! hahaha. I haven't converted anyone or anything, but I know some of them are aware that I am a Christian. I hope they see something different in me that would make them at the very least question what God is all about, why this kid is the way he is.
Aside from being too nice at ball, my presentation for one of my classes that morning went great! Questions from the class was what I worried about, and our group just killed it. I'm just in a really good mood right now, and there's many other things to look forward to today. ACF tonight, and most likely Settlers of Catan/Starcraft/Dota afterwards. Happiness after happiness is great, but if you've seen Fight Club, when that convenience store guy gets threatened for his life, everything in life will seem sweeter when we have them trials to compare to. Life truly is a gift from God, and I think all God really wants, is for us to acknowledge His love and love Him back.
I'm having a really happy day today, so far at least. Me and Jimmy (aka Timmy) wanted to be crazy and woke up at 7:30 to play ball. We just killed it today, both of us scoring machines. I really like playing with Jimmy! Maybe it's 'cause we've played so much together, our chemistry is really good. That, and I like to see Jimmy's super crosses!! He's also kinda retarded so it's lightens up the mood when we play. Win or lose, it's pretty fun. Playing well in the morning always makes the rest of my day happy. I really treasure the bonds that are made just from playing pick-up ball in the mornings. Sports in general is a great way to build up almost automatically bonds with strangers...often multiple strangers at a time. I know a lot of guys (and girls!) by a first name basis from the mornings, and it can really open up opportunities to talk off the court. If you know what I'm getting at, it's so we can talk to them about God! hahaha. I haven't converted anyone or anything, but I know some of them are aware that I am a Christian. I hope they see something different in me that would make them at the very least question what God is all about, why this kid is the way he is.
Aside from being too nice at ball, my presentation for one of my classes that morning went great! Questions from the class was what I worried about, and our group just killed it. I'm just in a really good mood right now, and there's many other things to look forward to today. ACF tonight, and most likely Settlers of Catan/Starcraft/Dota afterwards. Happiness after happiness is great, but if you've seen Fight Club, when that convenience store guy gets threatened for his life, everything in life will seem sweeter when we have them trials to compare to. Life truly is a gift from God, and I think all God really wants, is for us to acknowledge His love and love Him back.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Hoping for the Things to Come
Damn, almost time to get outta here...graduation's only about a month away. I've kinda come to grips with leaving and the fact that I have to start fresh again, but it doesn't really make it that much easier. As much as I like to put up a front to show I'm alright with it, I'm actually quite sad, and will miss my time here at Western. I feel more at home in London than back in Saskatoon, and I just feel like I don't really have anything to go back to. I don't think I'll be returning to my "home church", I've kinda lost touch with my friends back home, and with what I've become here in London, I don't know if I can really hang out with them like I used to. God has place eternity in my heart (Ecclesiastes 3:11), so I don't see what they see as important in life anymore. Right now, I really don't feel I have anything to look forward to after my university career.
Yes, God will show me new things and will reveal more of Himself to me everyday, and I do look forward to it....but God is able to show Himself to me wherever I end up, it's not really something I can say to look forward to in regards to where I'm heading. It's almost like the default answer to cheer myself up.
It is nice to see my family, but I'm really not too thrilled about what I'm expecting from life in the years to come. God also does not promise super happiness. Jeremiah is a good example. I didn't actually look into this myself, but Chia told me about it. He said that "Jeremiah was told by God that he was to be a prophet, but nobody would listen to him". He was pretty much set up for a life of sorrow, and that's what He lived.....I hear he cries/weeps a crapload because he's so sad.
God has not told me this, but who knows, it could very well be like this for me in the years to come. I dare not blatantly disobey God, so I will do what the Lord says, but if it means crappy days to come, it kinda sucks. I would not go as far as to say that my hope of heaven is the only thing I got, but I really don't see all that much right now. I hope God fills me with happiness.
Yes, God will show me new things and will reveal more of Himself to me everyday, and I do look forward to it....but God is able to show Himself to me wherever I end up, it's not really something I can say to look forward to in regards to where I'm heading. It's almost like the default answer to cheer myself up.
It is nice to see my family, but I'm really not too thrilled about what I'm expecting from life in the years to come. God also does not promise super happiness. Jeremiah is a good example. I didn't actually look into this myself, but Chia told me about it. He said that "Jeremiah was told by God that he was to be a prophet, but nobody would listen to him". He was pretty much set up for a life of sorrow, and that's what He lived.....I hear he cries/weeps a crapload because he's so sad.
God has not told me this, but who knows, it could very well be like this for me in the years to come. I dare not blatantly disobey God, so I will do what the Lord says, but if it means crappy days to come, it kinda sucks. I would not go as far as to say that my hope of heaven is the only thing I got, but I really don't see all that much right now. I hope God fills me with happiness.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
To Obey is Better Than Sacrifice
1 Samual 15:22
Samuel said, Has the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices. As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.
I read it in the book Roger gave me. I don't mean the bible either for you nuccas who wanna be smartasses, it was a reference in The Heavenly Man. I've always had disagreements with people that say school is what God calls us to do here, just because we happen to be enrolled in university. That it's okay to pass on let's say..men's cell, or ACF because we have extra school work to do. This verse kinda solidifies what I've kinda concluded. (The Holy Spirit is really something!!,...I usually get the bible reference, whether from someone or just my own readings, after the Holy Spirit has already shown me the answer). I found this verse a few days ago, but realized it a few weeks ago.
It's not necessarily school...or ACF. It's whatever God tells you to do. I guess it can be hard to discern what is of yourself, and what God is wanting for you to do, but that's why we ask for direction in prayer. It also isn't necessarily what you hate most, that God wants you to do either. I don't think God puts us here just to suffer for Him. I mean, I love P&R's, skipping is almost unheard of for me this year. I kinda figured it's a better choice compared to let's say.. studying accounting. P&R=know God more VS Accounting=know how to split up money when a partnership goes bankrupt :P. At the moment Enoch asked me if I needed a ride to P&Rs, I felt God was urging me to study. And that's what I chose. I could of been wrong, but I don't think so.
I did have an exam the next day and I've barely studied 'cause I had other exams before, so you could say that "well, you were pretty screwed, it makes sense that you chose studying over P&R's". For anyone else maybe....For me, I would easily pass on studying to go "meet God", not to say you can't meet God studying. So that's what I did...studied like anyone would have before the day of the exam. It wasn't until about 10pm or so that I got an e-mail from my prof, saying that it would be okay to write my exam on thursday...4 days from that sunday!!! I really felt this exam deferral was God's faithfulness to my choice. I was filled with joy. You could argue that I coulda gone to P&Rs then, and I would have still gotten the exam deferral,... but then again maybe not. The point is, I knew it was the right decision because of the peace that God brought me when I chose to study. This whole incident just shed some light in my views of what God wants me to do.
Samuel said, Has the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices. As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.
I read it in the book Roger gave me. I don't mean the bible either for you nuccas who wanna be smartasses, it was a reference in The Heavenly Man. I've always had disagreements with people that say school is what God calls us to do here, just because we happen to be enrolled in university. That it's okay to pass on let's say..men's cell, or ACF because we have extra school work to do. This verse kinda solidifies what I've kinda concluded. (The Holy Spirit is really something!!,...I usually get the bible reference, whether from someone or just my own readings, after the Holy Spirit has already shown me the answer). I found this verse a few days ago, but realized it a few weeks ago.
It's not necessarily school...or ACF. It's whatever God tells you to do. I guess it can be hard to discern what is of yourself, and what God is wanting for you to do, but that's why we ask for direction in prayer. It also isn't necessarily what you hate most, that God wants you to do either. I don't think God puts us here just to suffer for Him. I mean, I love P&R's, skipping is almost unheard of for me this year. I kinda figured it's a better choice compared to let's say.. studying accounting. P&R=know God more VS Accounting=know how to split up money when a partnership goes bankrupt :P. At the moment Enoch asked me if I needed a ride to P&Rs, I felt God was urging me to study. And that's what I chose. I could of been wrong, but I don't think so.
I did have an exam the next day and I've barely studied 'cause I had other exams before, so you could say that "well, you were pretty screwed, it makes sense that you chose studying over P&R's". For anyone else maybe....For me, I would easily pass on studying to go "meet God", not to say you can't meet God studying. So that's what I did...studied like anyone would have before the day of the exam. It wasn't until about 10pm or so that I got an e-mail from my prof, saying that it would be okay to write my exam on thursday...4 days from that sunday!!! I really felt this exam deferral was God's faithfulness to my choice. I was filled with joy. You could argue that I coulda gone to P&Rs then, and I would have still gotten the exam deferral,... but then again maybe not. The point is, I knew it was the right decision because of the peace that God brought me when I chose to study. This whole incident just shed some light in my views of what God wants me to do.
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