I look back at my years at Western, and I think I screwed up. I definitely didn't work as hard as I could of academically, it's like I couldn't see past the four years that were due for me there. I used ACF as an excuse for being too busy, but in fact I was and am just a very lazy person. Though I may feel I've done more than others in the fellowship, I don't think it should be used as a standard to measure my failure in school. Maybe it's my pride talking, discrediting the smarts of every other student at my school, but my transcript shouldn't look the way that it does. I say that I'd work harder every year, but when things got hard, and I couldn't hang in there, there was always some excuse to explain why my grades were horrible. Maybe how I performed was in fact my limit if it's consistently horrible, given my laziness, this was actually the best I could do.
Taking a step back and looking at the real world, things aren't as naively digestible as when I was in university. After I've graduated, things seem different. When you're taking a third person look at something, things don't seem as correct as it used to. Just like how I was in high school, or even earlier in university, everything seemed so right from the perspective of that person. I look back, and I never wanna be that person again...but whatever, hindsight's always 20/20 right. At Western, my attitude towards school seemed crystal clear, but it isn't as black and white as it was. I didn't like grinding it out, and I used a biblical scapegoat. Even had myself fooled. I guess this sounds like regret, but it's not....I don't believe in regret...there's nothing I can do to change what I've done, but I do have new perspective.
During university, I felt like I was on the right track to becoming a better person, but I don't necessarily like the person I've become. I think God has shown the hypocrisy in my life. I don't know if I'm as right with Him as I thought I was. Sometimes I honestly don't know if I'm really that much different from that kid I was in high school. Yeah, it's true that I don't do some of the stuff I used to....but I can't just let my change in preferences explain that I'm a better person, when in fact it is just that....a change in preference. I'm not really that different at all.
When enough people have told you that you're different, that you've grown as a person, you begin to believe it as well. I'm not saying I haven't grown at all, but it just seems like too little in too long of a time. There's so much I don't know.....and I want to, and I wanna be that person. To quote Hova "I 'aint close to God, but I'm working goddamn hard"....well I'm trying. Excuse the "french".
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3 comments:
it strange to hear you talk like this i guess especially since i haven't started to care more about things i didn't care about before.
i actually know that i sold out a lot of my future by not working. It's what Bart Simpson calls "mortgaging my future". I sold some of my future so i can get something here and now. That's actually a funny thought because i realize it's not like that. I sold something from my present to gain something eternal. This really depends on your view of timeline and what you know about what you did. I don't respect people becaues they do well in school. I'm not jealous that other people have better jobs. I know when i'm in Heaven that God will say, "As expected from a child of mine" just the way i wanna hear it and give me the heavenly treasures that he's promised. I'm not sure if you're backtracking now and thinking that these things aren't worth it or something. I thought we sold the world to gain God together. I thought we were on the same page. Maybe we weren't or maybe we were and we're not at the moment. it would be nice if you were here and we could talk in person.
what are you doin' with yourself? I hope you're not moping around at home because that will probably eat you up. Find some way to serve God. Anything just find something to keep you remembering why you did those crazy things in uni and you'll understand why. Or maybe you're right and you were an idiot and scapegoating.
iunno... i've come to grips with my past. you gotta know it was what you were destined to do and you were supposed to learn from it not hate it or resent yourself. whatever... there is too much to say and too little space~ maybe an email will come when i have more time? keep in touch.
my the guidance of the Spirit be with you and the eyes of your heart be open.
brothers for life~
brothers in death~
brothers eternally~
maybe ur just suffereing from the realisation that you could've being less lazy. I've seen my share of wasted times, and it aint pretty, i wasnt even doing stuff for God, just bumming around. I've come to the realisation of break time, but there is such a thing as too much break time when 2 hours is spent doing nothing. I think u dont think u grew as much as u expected is a good thing, means u not satisfied and u want more.
we were the BBM era, boys becoming men, and true alot of time we may think is wasted, but i think those were necessary for us to learn, if u had those realisation but did nothing about it, then thats just head knowledge, its as good as not knowing, or even worse than not knowing, at least u wont be held accountable for things u didnt know. So now that u know, then do something about it, the future is in God's hands, we can only do the things we do now.
my prayers is still with u.
Brothers in Christ.
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